We’ve all been on the receiving end of unwanted parenting advice. But what happens when you’re on the other side?
We’ve all been on the receiving end of unwanted parenting advice—when a casual comment lands like a brick on your already-tender conscience. But what happens when you’re on the other side—when you see someone you care about making parenting decisions you think they’ll come to regret?
Often, we resort to a polite silence, because we don’t want to risk offending or hurting the other person. But the truth is that all of us need friends who are willing to ask us the hard questions and hold us accountable. Sometimes, we will be the one who needs to listen; but sometimes, we will be the one who needs to speak.
So how can we offer parenting advice without laying a heavy burden on people? How can we give advice that builds others up rather than tearing them down?
Check your motives
Often, we want to give parenting advice because it makes us feel good. We feel wiser than our friend, because we can see the mistakes they are making. But good parenting advice springs from a heart of love, not pride; it comes from a genuine desire to see our friend’s family flourish.
Check if they are coping
The way we parent can’t be separated from our overall wellbeing. If someone you care about is making poor parenting decisions, it could be a signal that all is not well. Health or relationship problems can drain off our emotional energy, leaving us running on empty when it comes to our kids.
Before giving any advice, we need to find out if our friend is coping. If they are struggling with anxiety, depression or marriage problems, they may need professional help. If they are feeling overwhelmed, some practical help—a meal or some babysitting—might do more good for their parenting than any advice ever could.
Get to know what drives their parenting
When it comes to giving advice, our first impressions are not enough to go on: there is a big difference between a bad week and bad parenting! It’s only as we get to know someone that we can begin to understand why they relate to their children in a particular way.
For example, I once knew a mum who found it really hard to let her pre-schooler experience any disappointment or discomfort—she was always quick to step in and fix things. But as I got to know her, she explained why: her son had been born very premature and she still tended to see him as fragile and in need of protection. My friend knew that her parenting was not ideal, but it was shaped by some strong—and very understandable—emotional forces.
Help them clarify their vision and values
Most parenting problems arise because we let our immediate needs and desires override our long-term goals. We want some peace and quiet, so we just give in to the whining. We need to get something done, so we just turn on the flashing screen again. We want our kids to like us, so we don’t set any boundaries.
When we notice bad habits forming (in our own family or someone else’s), it can help to stop and clarify our vision. We can ask questions such as: What kind of values do you want to characterise your family? What kind of adults are you seeking to raise? What are the most important lessons and skills you want your children to learn?
At a time when we were struggling as parents, a wise friend suggested that we discuss and write down our family’s values. Looking back, I’m sure she could see the rookie errors we were making. But rather than simply telling us what to do, she gently empowered us to come to those conclusions ourselves.
Make observations with empathy
When we are in the thick of raising children, it can be hard to see our situation objectively. Often we are just dragging ourselves through to bedtime each day. So it can be helpful when someone outside the family gives us some honest feedback.
Often, the gentlest way to make these observations is by empathising with your friend’s dilemma. When we empathise, we make room for an honest conversation; when we judge, the other person raises their defences.
For example, we could say things such as: “It breaks your heart to see them unhappy, doesn’t it?”, “It’s hard to be consistent when you’re tired, isn’t it?” or “It takes a lot of effort to teach kids to do chores, doesn’t it?”
We can help our friend to see where their day-to-day parenting decisions are undermining their long-term vision, without acting as if we’re above those kind of mistakes ourselves.
Help them make a plan
Help your friend to decide on some concrete steps for realigning their parenting with their vision and values. We can make suggestions based on our own experiences and observations.
When someone points out our parenting flaws—what we shouldn’t be doing—it can be disheartening. But when someone offers us a positive alternative—what we could be doing instead—it can be inspiring.
A non-threatening way of making these suggestions is by asking the question, “Would you consider trying . . . ?” or “What do you think would happen if you . . . ?”
Encourage them with the Bible
We all come to parenthood with high ideals. As soon as we fall short, we can slide into despair, thinking that we are the worst parents in the world and our children will never recover.
As we give and receive parenting advice, let’s encourage each other with these truths, derived from the Bible:
All human children have human parents. But God still entrusts them into our care.
We have a gracious heavenly Father who forgives us and fills us with His Spirit.
We have a powerful heavenly Father who uses all things, even our parenting mistakes, for good.
Our children can learn from our imperfections: they learn how to be honest about sin, how to ask for forgiveness and how to persevere in God’s strength.
Our children can learn from an imperfect childhood: they learn to be resilient, patient and compassionate, they learn to forgive others.
It’s never too late to make a fresh start.
Through humble and loving conversations about parenting, we can encourage one other in our mission to equip the next generation for a meaningful life in God’s world.