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What to do if you think your partner is seeing someone else

By Karen Holford 2 min read
Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Q: I think my partner may be seeing someone . . .

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It can be deeply troubling when you think your partner might be seeing someone else. People behave in different ways when they suspect their partner is being unfaithful. Before responding, it's good to take some time to pause and think things through, or even talk to a good couple counsellor. 

What makes you think that they might be seeing someone else? What is the evidence? Might there be something else happening (planning a surprise for you; choosing to be secretive about something; exploring a medical issue before causing you to worry, etc.)? Check out the possibility of other options. 

Be careful who you share your suspicions with. If you tell your friends, family members or faith leader, how might they respond? Sometimes they can become so protective of you and so angry towards your partner, that their attitudes and responses can make it much harder for you and your partner to repair your relationship if that’s what you choose to do. What will happen if there is a situation that you choose to forgive, but your family choose to hold onto a grudge against your partner?

Will you raise the issue with your partner? What do you know about how your partner might respond if you choose to share your suspicions? If they become angry, how might they behave and will your safety or wellbeing be at risk? If your partner raised a similar suspicion about you, how would you respond?

When and where would be the best place to talk about your suspicion? Some people choose to do this in a restaurant or public place because they feel safer with other people around them.

How will you raise your concerns? A gentle way is to say something like, “I love you so much and I have this crazy little fear that you might start seeing someone else, just like (name someone you both know, if possible).” This kind of response avoids a direct accusation, and their response to this statement might help you to clarify what is happening or open up a conversation. 

If your relationship needs a little extra sparkle, The Dating Divas have lots of ideas for couple dates, and increasing fun and intimacy in your relationship. If your partner has been seeing someone or has even had an affair, it’s good to see a couple counsellor to help you repair the damage and find a fresh way forward. It can take a long time to rebuild trust in a relationship when there has been a betrayal, and the person who has had the affair needs to do everything possible to rebuild the trust. 


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Any advice given is general in nature and is not intended as a substitute for medical advice and must not be relied upon as such. For any healthcare advice, always consult a healthcare practitioner.

Karen Holford has masters degrees in child psychology and family therapy, but the best learning about family and relationships has always been from her husband, children and grandchildren. She is the author of "52 Ways to Parent Happy Children".